Amazed

"Lord I want to yearn for You, I want to burn with passion."

So for those of you that don't know I recently moved up to Foco to go to school at CSU and study Chinese. It has been quite a journey so far really good but really tough, and i've learned alot. It's what I "thought" I always wanted, but lately im not convinced this is where I should be. There's alot of mixed emotions, feelings, speculations. So I've been praying about it every day, asking God if this is where He wants me. And then one day talking to my sister, I finally heard the trigger words that got me thinking in a different perspective, and that was exactly what I needed. Here is a little excerpt from that day that really got me to evaluate how I came to be where im at.



"It's the truth, you changed a lot this year, I think it has a lot to do with your friends in Springs and going to church and everything you are doing...And maybe now that you are connected with a strong community, you don't want to go overseas and live, and that is ok! Maybe you are realizing that there are more important things than what you always thought you would do with your life. It's ok to change."



So, my response and thoughts was that she was totally right... I think alot of my decisions were based on my life in Canon and how I never had any good friends for the time I lived there, and how I hated that shitty low life prison town so much and how people were so fake! So I wanted to escape and move far away from everything, and leave it all behind without looking back. But just this last year, I established an amazing community in Springs and had a truly life changing semester. But it took me leaving that and coming to Foco to really realize what I had and left behind. My outlook at life changed, and I think I rushed things and didn't get to fully experience what I had in Springs, alot of which was people and community and I moved on too quick, thinking I still needed to go up to Foco. But in reality, I was just continuing my younger aspirations which have since changed. I still want to be involved with Chinese language, possibly some missions work, but not necessarily living over there for a long period.

Basically I came to Foco for one reason, and that was to learn Mandarin. But after all this I realized that there are other ways to learn a language. Privately, Rosetta Stone, whatever. I just have to want it enough, and I still do, that part of my life hasn't changed, but it doesn't have to be done at a university. So the tentative plan is to transfer to UCCS in the Springs and change my major to Communications or History. Im more simply getting a degree simply to have one now, not necessarily using it to its full extent. There are still some details that need to work out, but if God opens those doors like I believe He will. Then im taking that as the go ahead sign, and making it official.

As much as I thought I was really excited for Foco, it just didn't turn out to meet my expectations. But what it did do was put me in a position to re-evaluate life and where I was. Im truly excited to see what God has for me now in this new direction im headed in.
I also understand it probly sounds like I didn't even give Foco a shot, and your probly right to an extent. But at the same point it took me going up there to figure all this out, to question things. So in my eyes I got what I needed from it, repositioned myself and am now starting new again.


A couple weeks ago at theMILL, Aaron read a verse that really caught my attention, and put me in my place.

Jeremiah 29:11-13:

11 For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. 12 Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. 13 You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.

Its been a while since i've really felt like writing. I think I go in spurts and throughout the summer I was so busy I just wasn't up for it.

But this summer ended up being really good for the most part. I had a job I didn't truly enjoy but it got better the last month of it. I learned ALOT and made good money for school, so that's what counts in my book. I was so happy to be done with it too, but that also meant school was just around the corner. And this year school was going to be in Fort Collins, at CSU. So quite a change. A pastor I recently heard at Woodmen Valley talked about expectations a little, and how no matter what you do, you always have certain expectations for things. I don't really know what my expectations were for Foco, aside from a place I would instantly fit in. Ha, as I soon came to realize, fat chance of that happening. Yes its true that I've only been up there for 2 weeks. But in those 2 weeks I really haven't made much progress and it sucks. And im having a hard time of giving it a chance. Sure i've met a decent amount of people, but once you meet them, then what. We have completely different majors and we unite once a week at Navs or CRU. It's a hard things to figure out how to handle. Im definitely still lingering in the life I had in Springs. I've come down both weekends so far and next week I will again. Sometimes its for things I need to do, but mostly just any excuse to get out of Foco. I thought I would like change, but I guess I don't. At least not by myself. Luckily the friends I do have in springs have been super supportive of everything im doing, but yet im still not even supporting myself. I have too much fun when I come back, it makes me want to move back so bad, but im trying to grow up and put my supposed career ahead of people. But honestly the only reason im in Foco is for one thing, and that's to learn Chinese. I guess maybe you could also throw in there that I would get a degree, but that's lower on the totem pole for me. I've been giving alot more thought to overseas missions in China. So we'll see where God takes my thoughts with that. This semester has got me to rely alot more on God as well and trying to understand that he has me there for a reason, even though I can't see it as clear as i'd like. So prayer and reading His word has definitely become a daily thing for me finally and I love it. There's other factors as to why Im having a harder time being away, but i'll save those for another day. Altogether though, im there for a year regardless becase of my lease, after that time we'll see what happens. See what my heart feels and where I should be. But for now im trying to stay as positive as I can do good in school and make new friends as well as hanging out with my old ones. The past few weekends have been legit and I love every second I spend down there. And it sucks leaving every time, but for me right now, its worth it. Thanks guys for being awesome!